I was 4 years old when my father passed away. This obviously caused me a great deal of childhood trauma, and the associated financial and emotional cost to my family to “rehabilitate” me was substantial. Only as I have aged and entered this profession have I become aware that his death seriously affected many other people in the family, not least of which was my mother. But instead of choosing the more obvious individuals, let’s discuss the strain that affected his parents, my grandparents.
Depending on the family’s financial dynamic, the loss of an adult child can be absolutely devastating: Some parents have placed an enormous amount of resources on raising that child, and may have sacrificed to the point where their own financial futures are in jeopardy. Not only does the potential financial assistance from the deceased child no longer exist, but there are now additional expenses that may be incurred in helping to raise any grandchildren. In my own case, I was lucky that my mother had a good income, but my father had much greater earning potential and was woefully underinsured. He was a thirty five year old brain surgeon in the golden age of physician compensation, and I can now say that his only having $100,000 of life insurance was completely irresponsible. As such, it is important to have serious conversations about procuring adequate life insurance with your adult child who has their own children. A grandparent may even purchase life insurance for their child. In this case, ownership issues of the policy may be tricky, so discuss these with a financial planner first.
Some people are not insurable. In this case it is imperative to begin saving your own funds in a way that will help raise grandchildren. 529 Plans and funds owned by trusts can better ensure that a grandparent’s fears are calmed, as well as help continue in-law interest. I was lucky in that my father’s parents had their own means, and that my mother was wise enough to realize they could be a great financial resource if she maintained a working relationship with her mother-in-law (my grandparents loved their grandchildren, but it is my understanding that they were not the easiest people to deal with). Like so many things in life, flexing financial control helps you assert family rights.
Lastly, some families just don’t have much money. In this case, or even where money does exist, it is imperative to strengthen family bonds with your child-in-law. The remaining parent will be emotionally distressed and overwhelmed for an unknown period of time, and financially strained for most of their lives. A grandparent who is available to child-sit, nurture, and offer communication with their grandchildren can allow the remaining parent the opportunity to emotionally rehabilitate themselves more quickly and make more solid progress in recovering from the psychological trauma of being left as a single parent. In my own case, my grandmother and aunt excelled. And even though my father’s mother passed away prior to either of my mother’s parents passing away, it is clear that her effort rates as a 10 on a scale of 1 -10, while my mother’s parents barely get a passing grade.
And even though my grandmother made it clear she was not thrilled that my mother remarried (not a very fair approach in my own opinion), I have been forced to realize that the emotional gravity of losing a child is not something that is ever easily lifted and may lead a parent to act irrationally themselves for quite some time. Do not be ashamed to go to therapy yourself at an advanced age, even if it is your first time doing so in your life: The loss of an adult child whom you have seen grow for a several decades is an amazing emotional blow that can haunt you for the rest of your life. Do what you need to do to put your own house in order: Your strength and continued efforts will be needed for as long as possible.
Q FOR YOU: Have you had the difficult discussion with your child about how to prepare for their own demise?
