The first sibling rivalry goes back to the “first” siblings, Cain and Able. It was not the last (though the outcome was a little more dramatic than the average sibling rivalry). Of the many rivalries that have taken place since, one that is too often overlooked is over the parent’s disposition of their remains upon their passing.
I have seen situations where one sibling [we’ll call him “brother”] was the local child living with his mother, and the more distant child [“sister”] lived a few thousand miles away. Brother and sister had not liked each other for decades. When mom passed away, brother did not tell sister, and decided to hold a small funeral where mom’s funeral service was highly secular, despite the fact that she had been somewhat religious during her life and sister was equally religious. Needless to say, sister was furious and commenced a lawsuit.
Absent written instructions, in New York the “Right of Sepulcher” states that the nearest living relatives have the right to determine how a person’s remains are ultimately handled. There is not yet any definitive answer as to whether all relatives have an equal right and must agree, or whether the first person to the morgue makes the decision alone (my old firm almost had the opportunity to take this case to trial and possibly appeal thereafter, which would have given a bit of guidance, but opposing counsel dropped the ball so the actual trial never took place).
While some people may cry foul and say that brother wronged mom, how are we to know? She never memorialized her opinions in writing, and in the legal world written documents carry quite a bit of weight.
Mom could have executed a New York Disposition of Remains, a document which addresses this exact issue and allows for the client to state her desires either generally or very specifically, and names the client’s choice of agent to handle her remains.* She could have also prepaid her funeral expenses. The latter is different than owning a cemetery plot, since the latter is merely property and not necessarily binding instructions. If mom had taken these steps the outcome may have been very different than what actually proceeded: Thousands of dollars of family resources spent on a legal dispute between the siblings which, frankly, was potentially a very risky case.
The first step in avoiding sibling rivalries is to take charge of your own decisions where you are able to do so.
Q for YOU: Are you familiar with prepaying your funeral expenses? Have you executed documents stating the ultimate disposition of your remains?
